


nothing at all

by rumpledlinen



Category: Social Network (2010) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-18
Updated: 2012-08-18
Packaged: 2017-11-12 10:21:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/489806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumpledlinen/pseuds/rumpledlinen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I want to be able to look at you and feel nothing.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	nothing at all

**Author's Note:**

> originally for a prompt at the tsn kinkmeme. um. what is this, i don't even.
> 
> disclaimer: not real, not mine, don't own. don't sue pls.

He breaks up with Anna.

It's nothing to do with her, really. He loves her, has always loved her since she smiled at him and didn't make fun of his stuttering attempts to ask her out, but. It's not enough.

He's never believed in loving more than one person, deceiving the one you're with like that.

_I'm sorry_ , he tells her and he means it; because she's everything he's ever wanted for himself. He thought he was going to marry her, for a long time.

But then Andrew - he came along and Jesse can't help but feel things for him, feel _too much_.

Anna pats his cheek and tries to blink past her tears, and she says _me, too_.

*

He'd never really thought the feelings were returned, but it's still hard to see Andrew, splashed across the cover of every tabloid in town, with _Emma_ , of all people.

(And the worst of it is, Emma knows, she knows how Jesse felt and what he did and she still - she still -

He's never going to understand people.)

It's hard and so he takes himself out of the picture, spends too much time with his cats in his apartment and pretends he doesn't have to move on.

*

Andrew calls him one day.

_We should meet up_ , he says, and his voice is rushed but pleased; it's the sound of Andrew in love.

Jesse should say no. He should hang up and say _I'm busy_ but instead he's nodding, agreeing, and they're making a time and a place and - when he hangs up he's dazed, but he breathes out, shrugs.

It'll be just the two of them. Just like old times.

*

Except that Andrew brings Emma.

She's bubbly and vivacious as always and Jesse hugs her because he loves her to bits (loves both of them to bits and they deserve so much better than him, really, but it still stings that they both realized it).

She presses her hands to the sides of his face when Andrew's in the bathroom and says "I'm sorry".

Jesse looks at her. "What for?"

"I didn't want to -"

"We're not talking about this," and he closes his eyes, "this is a nice day and -"

"I didn't invite myself, I know you're mad at me -"

"I'm not mad." Jesse pauses. "I just want - I don't know."

"What is it, Jess?"

"Why?" he asks, "why didn't you tell me, why'd you - fuck, Emma, you knew, you were the only one that knew."

"I know," she says, lower lip wobbling, "I'm the worst. I just - I fell in love with him."

It feels like a punch to the gut but he nods, forces out "And he fell in love with you."

"I'm so sorry."

Andrew shows up then and Jesse just shakes his head at Emma. He's forgiven her, of course he has. He can't stay mad at her, can't really stay mad at anyone.

Andrew's smile is too-wide when they drop him off but Jesse doesn't say anything. 

_It was nice catching up_ , he goes with, instead, and _thanks_ and _we should do this soon_ but they won't, he's sure.

Andrew's moved on from him. It's understandable. Jesse should be moved on, too.

Should be but isn't. It's the story of his life. 

*

He watches their relationship from afar and wants to feel empty.

His therapist ups the dosage of his medication and it works but doesn't work; because that kind of hurt can't be masked, not by anti-anxiety pills.

He watches them, and he pretends to be moved on.

(Maybe if he tells himself that enough, it'll come true.)

*

He sends Andrew an email, one evening.

_I want to be able to look at you and feel nothing_ is all the message says but it's enough. Andrew'll understand. He's always known Jesse better than himself, after all.

He hits send, and falls asleep on the couch.

He doesn't dream.


End file.
